Some honest words
OK bitches, I feel like there is so much I want to say right now and it’s just going to all fall out, hopefully in some kind of organized way  I have taken to using the word "bitches" affectionately in case you’re wondering.

OK so the first thing that I must say, is that I cannot help feeling that most of the people who have given their gender the tiniest amount of thought seem to be ri.di.culously young and cool. Kind of alienating for people like me who still get so much inspiration from “Some Like it Hot” and “La Cage aux Folles” (the original films), which I am totally mad about. (what was your first clue lol)

I feel like people who think about their gender have too much time on their hands, hey I do too. Not trying to criticize “other people”. I am as guilty as anyone else of over-thinking my whole childhood and adolescence and looking for “clues”. And sometimes I think so deeply into my essence that I may not have a gender at all, I mean what is our gender when we are asleep? It’s one of those things, the harder you think the more it fades. You only see it clearly when you’re NOT concentrating on it.

Well anyway, now that I have found my own personal gender identity, I feel like I should just get on with my life. We can’t force anyone else to see us as we see ourselves unfortunately.
I am thinking maybe my gender identity “thing” is connected with female Asperger’s Syndrome which is completely different from male Asperger’s so don’t expect me to recite PI to 100 decimal places. I have read up about Asperger’s in women and so much seems to fit like a glove. Although nobody will believe that I have Asperger’s because I am so high-functioning. But look at the length of this rant about my gender!

I believe Asperger’s has made me feel like I have had to LEARN how to be “a girl” in a similar way to a drag queen. That is by far the neatest explanation I have found so far. And yet I have always, always known that I WANTED to be a girl (preferably a princess actually). In 2015 when I could be anything I want, even a genderless blob, even a trans guy, a neutrois anything – I WANT to be a girl. But I still don't feel like one in my core.

I embrace “drag queen” as my gender identity, not my profession. My life is really my performance, although any excuse to dress up is most welcome :) I personally do not feel that biological females can be “drag queens” although some try. For the simple reason that it is not drag. It’s a woman dressing extravagantly and putting on lots of make-up. That is fun, but it’s not drag unfortunately! A biological male drag queen can stand there in fish drag and lip sync. He doesn’t need to do anything wacky or original to be a drag queen, just the fact of being dressed in female clothing is enough. And there’s the difference.

Sometimes I feel that I am quite literally mentally a gay man, specifically an effeminate one. I have my masculine side too which leads people to see me as not so feminine. Because as I am female-bodied, I don’t always speak and act the way I am expected to. I have my more macho moments. I am not feminine I am effeminate. There is a subtle difference that I cannot explain. I really can’t. You’d have to meet me.

Not being seen as a queen /drag queen is something that I can deal with, because ultimately all I can do is BE. If I really am true to myself, then everyone will see the real me even if they don’t quite “get” my gender.

But what I can’t stand is being seen as what I am NOT. For one, I am not a lesbian, I happen to be biromantic and also bisexual enough to want to try it (which I have) but sexually speaking I know what I like, and it’s men. Thanks.

Also I am not a fag hag. I am a fag. I have had some female friends who were kind of like my fag hag, it was that kind of dynamic. Because I feel different somehow, in a way that I just cannot explain. When I am with a group of guys, I feel like I don’t fit in, but when I am with a group of girls I feel different too. But I feel like I get on better with girls. By the way, fag hag is not an insult in itself, I just find it is synonymous sometimes with a supremely irritating woman who thinks that she is ever so glamorous because she is friends with some gays *yawn*. And also being a complete bitch is not a gender. It is not a pre-requisite of any gender or sexuality to be unpleasant and judgemental and “throw shade” around whenever you get the chance. Grow up.

Also I do not have a fetish. Sometimes I feel like my fascination with drag queens and transsexual women could potentially be seen as offensive in the sense that people like to be seen as human beings and not objects of fascination. Also it must be said that I do not believe a drag queen and a transsexual woman is the same thing, of course not. The only thing that I see in common is the biological maleness and feminine appearance. Just before everyone hates me. I guarantee that most TG women probably don't know what I am talking about since they feel like women, and I don't :)

I sometimes feel more like a drag queen because I feel like fundamentally inside, I am quite masculine. I just don’t wish to LOOK masculine. I guess I am fascinated by what I physically can never be. I do not think that I am transsexual because it seems rather absurd to take lots of T just so that you can appear more like a drag queen and that is not something I would ever do. But sometimes I do wish that I already had a male body so that I could then become a woman rather than just being one to begin with. I think that if I had a male body I would not be particularly dysphoric, I am not sure. It’s a question I ask myself. I think my ideal body would be taller, male shaped and sized but with little body hair, and definitely.not.bald. If I took T, I would be a very, very short bald guy – which quite frankly I would not be very thrilled about. In fact there is NO WAY. Sorry. I am not that dysphoric as to do that to myself. In fact I am not sure I suffer too much from body dysphoria. I would be happy to be either, and I think I am MUCH better off in a female body.

Also, I am not just jumping on some kind of gender bandwagon to be one of the cool kids. Far from it – I have never in my life been a cool kid and never will be one. I am not a particularly alternative person, I am not loud or gregarious or extrovert, I am not just a femme or someone who wants to draw attention to themselves. It is really sad that every loud-mouthed bitch who happens to like glamorous clothes and make-up thinks that she is a “gay man trapped in a womans’ body”. Whatever. Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen that the more make-up you put on the more you look like a man? The sexier you try and look, the more you look like a man? Have you ever cried with sheer confusion? No well don’t talk to me bitch. Thanks.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I actually revel in femininity is that it actually makes me feel MORE masculine in a funny kind of way. Whereas if I try to look like a boy, I just end up looking like a lesbian and that is not what I want because why would I want people to think I am the exact opposite of what I am. I am not a gay woman, I am a gay man duh. I do not really like or get on with lesbians tbh. Sorry.

That was really honest. I really hope that nobody hates me as a result.

Words that describe Me
Drag queen, fem, effeminate, guuurrrl, bitch (term of affection!), queen, biromantic, homosexual (male), fishy (drag term meaning I look like a real girl 😂)
What words do you specifically "own"?

Why I love Albin Mougeotte
Here are some of my own personal thoughts about why La Cage aux Folles, and especially the character of Albin, appeal to me so much.
Reading the review which I posted in my previous journal entry, we can see that most of the humour arises from the effeminate ways of Albin and of course Jacob, the maid, while Renato is the ever-patient, more “straight-acting” half of the partnership. And one could criticize the fact that, due to the time when it was filmed (the late 70s), there is no real sexuality on display in the film, apart from a few fairly chaste displays of affection.

But what we get instead is actually so much more significant. Although it is perhaps a by-product, rather than a specific intention, what we actually see is a middle-aged couple just like any other. Some might say that it is stereotypical that Albin is clearly “the woman” in the relationship and Renato is “the man”. Obviously that is a major source of the humour in the film, but every relationship has a dynamic, and what is wrong with this dynamic anyway?

The whole premise of the film would simply not work without Albin being flamboyant and effeminate, if it were easy for him to just “act straight”, if he were not Laurent’s (the son’s) “mother” – in opposition to his biological mother, who never had any involvement in her son’s life after she gave birth to him. The (probably unintentional) message that we get when we see Albin’s futile attempts to butter his toast and walk “like a man”, and how deflated and ill-at-ease he looks in a “normal” plain black suit, is this: we are who we are. We try to change and become something we are not at our peril.

It is precisely this that makes Albin’s entrance in drag as “maman” so effective. Not only is it unexpected but it makes us happy : Albin has found a way to play along with the deception and give the impression of a “normal” family without sacrificing who he is.

The pathos that Michel Serrault manages to infuse into this ultimately comic character makes all the difference and reveals his brilliance as an actor. Albin isn’t just a sexless cardboard cut-out caricature of an effeminate man. He is a real person, someone who is clearly in pain actually. He fears (like all of us), that he is getting older. He fears losing Renato, that he is no longer appealing, that he is losing his effect as a drag queen, that he is becoming grotesque.

The scene where Albin goes off to his cemetery (with his toothbrush!) and Renato goes after him, is one of the most moving depictions of love that I have seen in a film (and it happens to be about two men and in a farce no less!). They are both sitting on a bench together and Renato says that he will change his cemetery plans so that when he dies, he will be buried in the same place as Albin, in order to “carry on laughing forever”. Renato loves Albin because he makes him laugh – just like all couples laugh at each other. I cried a lot at that scene!

Also what strikes me about all three “Cage aux Folles” films, is that Albin and Renato are undoubtedly the heroes in the story – they are the ones who triumph in the end. In the original film, Albin helps Charrier to escape through the night club unnoticed by the press by dressing him up as a drag queen. It is funny for us to see Charrier’s obvious discomfort at this, and crucially, it is a way for Albin to gain the respect and trust of the conservative politician.

In the second film, Albin and Renato gain an award for their role in defeating some spies (yes really!) and in the third film (which is rubbish unfortunately), they gain half of a very large inheritance and estate in Scotland. So they are always the ones who succeed in the end. They are the heroes and main protagonists, rather than being just a humorous diversion – in that sense, the films are way ahead of their time.

For me, the main source of irony and humour in the film (the original) is that superficially, Albin and Renato are unconventional. They are two men who have raised a child together, they are openly gay, to say Albin is flamboyant is an understatement, and of course he is a drag queen, and often dresses in drag and uses make-up and items of female apparel outside the confines of the show as well. But at the same time, they are no longer young, they are not cool or edgy, they are not “hipsters”, they don’t take drugs. They are actually quite “boring”, just a middle-aged couple with a grown-up kid who love each other to pieces after all those years together. And for me, this is what makes the film so moving and effective.

Et voila, this is why La Cage aux Folles is a truly timeless classic.

My favourite review of La Cage aux Folles - the original version and the US remake
See this link for the original source :

Here I am copying the full next and highlighting the most salient points

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
by Michael D. Klemm
Posted online, March, 2009

La Cage Aux Folles (1978) is, quite simply, one of the funniest farces ever filmed. Younger gay audiences are probably more familiar with the 1996 remake, The Birdcage, but they owe it to themselves to check out the original French film because it is one of the true masterpieces of screen comedy. Although famed director Mike Nichols assembled a vast stable of talent for the remake - and his film certainly has it moments - The Birdcage still pales compared to its predecessor. This essay will discuss both titles in sequence. I am assuming that most of my readers have seen one, or both, films. For those who haven't, there are major spoilers ahead.

La Cage Aux Folles has always been a very special film to me. My first viewing was back in 1979, when I was a closeted senior in college, and it was the first film that I had ever seen that treated the subject of homosexuality with sympathy. La Cage Aux Folles was outrageous and, despite its extreme levity, the film had a serious point to make. Conventional notions of family and morality were challenged and turned upside down, yet only the most ingrained homophobe could watch this film and still cling to his bigotry.
Ugo Tognazzi and Michel Serrault are Renato Baldi and Albin Mougeotte, a longtime gay couple who have been partners for twenty years. Together, they own a night club in Saint-Tropez named La Cage Aux Folles (which translates as Birds of a Feather). The night club's specialty is fabulous drag revues and Albin is 'Zaza Napoli,' the main attraction and the sensational star of its stage. Albin is also the diva from hell and La Cage opens with the temperamental star having a hissy fit in his dressing room and refusing to perform. Apparently this is a nightly ritual and Renato is at his wits' end. To call Albin a screaming queen would be an understatement and the verbal sparring during this scene is pitched at such a level that is surprising that they do not kill one another.

While Albin is on stage, Renato receives a young visitor and the audience is deliberately led to believe that he is an old Chicken Hawk who is having an affair with a delicious young man. Then La Cage Aux Folle's truly subversive script drops its first surprise on the audience. The lad, Laurent, is Renato's son(!) and he has some very upsetting news for his father. He is getting married. To a woman. The usual familial cliches of "where did we go wrong" are given a workout in reverse and the viewers' expectations are smashed with a sledgehammer.

And then, the true comedic genius of La Cage Aux Folles comes into full bloom. The action swiftly cuts to Laurent's finance, Andrea, and her parents, Simon and Louise Charrier. They resemble medieval schoolmasters and they are demanding to know what the boy's parents do for a living. Simon, we will soon learn, is the Deputy Minister of The Union For Moral Order. The poor girl is terrified of her parents and lies that Renato is a Cultural Attache for the Italian Embassy and Albin is a housewife with six children.
But wait, it gets even better. Simon receives a phone call the next day and learns that the President has just been found dead in the arms of a prostitute... who is also a minor... and black. The press is already having a field day at Simon's expense and The Union For Moral Order is the laughing stock of France. But Louise has the answer - invite the press to a big public white wedding where he gives his daughter's hand in marriage to the son of a diplomat. "Morality, background, tradition! Restored!" beams his wife. They can even get the Pope's blessing.

Meanwhile, Albin is also shocked that their little boy is getting married. To a woman. "It hurts at first," he whines while wiping away copious tears. But it's going to hurt a lot more soon. The Charriers are on their way to meet their future in-laws and this meeting is going to be... shall we say, awkward? Laurent begs his father to redecorate their very garish apartment and to send Albin away for a few days. Renato is understandably outraged and refuses, but then gives in even though his son has got to be the most ungrateful brat who has ever lived. An elaborate charade ensues and the climactic dinner, as the two families with their clashing values meet, is perhaps the funniest French farce since Moliere.

It is a rare film that can still make me convulse with laughter even after more than a dozen viewings. The number of funny scenes in La Cage Aux Folles are too numerous to list. Their apartment looks like a bordello and, to impress the future in-laws, it is redecorated to resemble a monastery. At the disastrous dinner, soup is hastilly served before the Charriers can notice the pictures of naked Greek athletes wrestling in the bowls. When the papprarazzi arrives with cameras in tow to capture Simon leaving the gay nightclub, Albin dresses the humiliated Deputy up as the ugliest woman you will ever see.

Two minor, but memorable, characters round out the cast. One is Laurent's biological mother, who has had no contact with her son since his birth. Laurent, we learn, is the result of a drunken liaison that lasted one night from 2:30 to 3:45. The other is Renato and Albin's "maid" - a muscular black man named Jacob who loves to wear skimpy French maid uniforms and Albin's wigs. Did I just say a black "maid?" Wait; before someone charges the film with racism, Jacob has one of the film's best lines when Renato remarks that "You French make such shitty coffee" and Jacob replies: "I've been called nigger and I've been called queer but I've never been called French."

Also, as Laurent's demands become more and more excessive, an annoyed Jacob sarcastically refers to the boy as his "little white master."
Some have complained that La Cage Aux Folles perpetuated stereotypes, and Renato and Albin have even been called the Amos and Andy of Gaydom. Yes, they are a pair of flaming queens but they weren't objects of ridicule and this is the crucial difference - certainly not the norm in films at the time. Renato and Albin are utterly delightful and the audience laughs with them and not at them. Which is more than I can say for the sanctimonious Simon Charrier and his wife. Renato and Albin might be a tad eccentric, but audiences embraced them and recognized that they were harmless. As opposed to the Charriers, with their rigid beliefs and prejudices, who are downright dangerous!

Do the "politically correct" amongst you still think that Albin is too much of a drama queen? Well, then take a closer look at Simon. The temper tantrums that he throws throughout the film are as histrionic as Albin's - his voice is just a few octaves lower. Also, like Albin, he craves chocolate whenever he is stressed.

Ugo Tognazzi and Michel Serrault were both noted European actors; Tognazzi usually played tough guys, and was actually once a heartthrob in Italy, and he is beautifully cast against type in La Cage. Fans of Phillipe deBroca's classic anti-war comedy, King Of Hearts, will recognize Serrault as the barber who pays his customers because he "hates to see the shop empty." Their chemistry together and comic timing is sublime. This is a film that knows how to tell a joke correctly, utilizing the actors, the photography and the cutting for maximum effect. Look, for example, at the classic scene where Renato tries to teach Albin how to act more "like a man." Following Renato's exasperated instructions, Albin tries to forcefully butter his toast and then screams each time the toast that he clenches in his hand keeps snapping in half. The lesson concludes with Renato unsuccessfully trying to teach Albin how to walk like John Wayne.

Yet, despite all the drama, it is clear that Renato and Albin truly love each other. They bicker and then reconcile like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo and, after awhile, the straights in the audience forget that they are watching two men. Renato tells Albin that he is a pain in the ass but confesses that he still loves him because "you make me laugh." Some critics complained that we never see them kiss or show any signs of affection. Wrong. We do see them kiss; it only happens once but it does happen. Early in the film, Albin returns from shopping and kisses Renato and the director doesn't call any attention to it. Perhaps it is so subtle that no one noticed. (In the remake, the two men also kiss just once and during the same scene.)

There is also genuine pathos in La Cage Aux Folles. It is sad to see these two men, used to living their lives so openly, suddenly being forced to pass as straight. Albin looks so uncomfortable and pathetic when he makes the effort and dresses in a conservative suitcoat; his pink socks are his one last vain attempt to maintain his identity and you almost want to cry when he says "No. Dressed like this I'm even more ridiculous." He is far more in his element when he makes a surprise entrance, in drag, to masquerade as Laurent's mother when the Charriers arrive for dinner.

Perhaps one might ask why Renato would even give in to his son's unreasonable demands but, like any other parent, he wants to do what is best for his son - even at his own expense. In Renato's case, this means denying his very identity. To his credit, he first refuses and I've actually heard audiences cheer at his initial response. "Yes, I wear make-up," he tells his son, "I live with a man, and I'm an old fag. But I know who I am. It's taken me 20 years and that Deputy won't destroy it. I don't give a damn about the Deputy. The hell with the Deputy. Fuck the Deputy."

Every straight person who I have ever seen the film with has reacted to it the same way. They all agreed that the Deputy Minister of The Union For Moral Order was the one who was ridiculous and not the two "fags." La Cage Aux Folles was a milestone and its message is still very important even today, three decades later.

Note: The less said about the two sequels, the better. La Cage Aux Folles II (1980) was an inane spy caper made somewhat palatable only by the chemistry between Tognazzi and Serrault. La Cage Aux Folles 3: The Wedding (1985), in which Albin has to get married and father a son in order to receive an inheritance, was so intolerable that I couldn't even finish watching it.

There would not be an American remake for almost twenty years even though La Cage Aux Folles was, at the time, the highest-ever grossing foreign film to date. (In 1985, La Cage would become a Tony award winning musical with a book by Harvey Fierstein.) In 1996, noted stage and film director Mike Nichols (The Graduate) re-united with his old comedy partner, Elaine May, and assembled an all-star cast, to update La Cage.
The Birdcage, aside from being transferred from Saint-Tropez to South Beach, Florida, is essentially the same film as La Cage Aux Folles. Robin Williams and Nathan Lane star as Armand and Albert Goldman. Their nightclub is called The Birdcage, and Albert graces its stage as the great Starina. Hank Azaria is the Guatemalan "maid" with a penchant for wearing Albert's wigs, and Dan Futterman plays the ungrateful son, Val, who sets chaos into motion.

Their nemesis is now a Jesse Helmes-styled conservative Senator. Gene Hackman is a hoot as Ohio Senator Kevin Keeley, one of the founders of The Coalition For Moral Order. Having the President of the United States die in the arms of an underaged, black prostitute would have been a bit much and so this time it's Keeley's Coalition co-founder, Senator Eli Jackson, whose comical death sends the media into a feeding frenzy. To wag the dog, the wife, Louise (Dianne West), again suggests a big white wedding for their daughter, Barbara (Calista Flockhart).

It made sense to remake La Cage Aux Folles during the 90s because the "family values" crowd was heating up their efforts to legislate homophobia in America. Humor is a potent weapon and any big budget Hollywood film that could help foster acceptance from mainstream audiences was certainly welcome. The Birdcage makes the same satiric point as La Cage does, and it is very funny, but somehow it doesn't reach the same comedic heights as its predessessor.

The basic set-up of the story is so funny that it's almost impossible to screw it up, yet many of the scenes that had me screaming with laughter in the original are flat in the sequel. Somewhere along the line Albert's character was toned down and I don't think that was wise. Starina is nowhere near the hissy diva that Zaza was in the first film and the character needs to be more over the top. You might say that the lady doth protest too much in La Cage when Albin throws a fit on stage because his young dancing partner chews gum and blows a bubble in his face, but in which film was the tantrum funnier? The toast scene in the new film doesn't come close to matching the comedic genius of the same moment in the original. It's all in the timing. When Gene Hackman's Senator Keeley gets the phone call that his Coalition co-founder is dead, his delivery is too rushed. Whereas, in the first film, Simon Charrier was breathing heavy and muttering slowly, with long pregnant pauses for comic effect: "She was a prostitute....... and a minor...... and black."

But The Birdcage does have many delightful touches of its own; one example is Albert returning from the stage dressed as the hobo Judy Garland from Easter Parade. There are a few improvements too; Renato allowed himself to be seduced by Laurent's mother in the original but Armand just does his old dance number with her this time and I liked this scene a lot better. Williams matches Tognazzi when he rightly tells off his son and then says "Fuck the Senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks." And I thought it was brilliant that, when Albert came in un-announced at dinner, he was dressed - and looked - like Barbara Bush. His winning over of the Senator with his dumb Republican smalltalk (instead of killing abortion doctors, why don't we kill the mothers?) is also hysterically funny.

The Goldmans' apartment is flamboyant but not quite as frilly as Renato and Albin's; one of the best jokes occurs during its makeover when one of the drag performers thinks it will butch up the apartment if he hangs up a large moose head. Elaine May's script adds a few zingers that were untouched upon in the original. The Kelleys are so conservative that Barbara is afraid to even tell her parents that her future father-in-law is Jewish, and she lies that his last name is Coleman instead of Goldman. When Mrs. Keeley suggests getting the Pope's blessing for the wedding, her husband sneers that the Pope is too controversial and that Billy Graham is too Liberal.
Again, if anyone in the audience doesn't think that it's the Senator who is ridiculous by the conclusion, then that person is watching the film with blinders. And probably thinks George W. Bush was a good President.

The cast is, for the most part, terrific. Robin Williams is oddly subdued, considering how manic he can sometimes be, but his subtle performance works. (His dry one-liners include telling Agador that he looks like "Lucy's stunt double.") Nathan Lane was a good choice but his Albert pales next to Michel Serrault's Albin. Williams and Lane do have a nice chemistry together though and, despite the bickering, seem much more happily married than the Keeleys. Christine Baranski does a memorable turn as Val's biological mother, and Hank Azaria literally steals every scene in which he appears as Agador.

My vote is still with the original but it all boils down to one's personal taste. Some will undoubtedly prefer the American remake because they can recognize the actors and they don't have to read subtitles, but its delightful story has an important message that comes strongly across in both versions. Let us hope someday that the central conflict in the two films will soon be such a non-issue that there will be no need for another remake two decades from now.

Some Musings on Anger - Causes
I am an angry person! (apparently). Not that everything makes me angry. Recently I have been trying to examine the root causes of that anger, since the source of the anger is always inside of you!

It could be that so long as nothing pisses you off, you remain outwardly calm. But the anger is always there inside, waiting for a stimulus to come along. I would like to specify at this point that I am not a scary or violent person. It is sometimes scary when I get angry apparently, but I have never resorted to actual violence against anyone (just a disclaimer).

OK, so what are some possible causes of anger. I want to concentrate just on that for now.

- Not liking yourself very much – low self-esteem. This would explain why it is so enraging when someone makes a patronizing comment, belittles or underestimates you, criticizes you etc. Anger is a “fight or flight” response. It is about being scared really, about self-defense. And why is it soooo threatening when someone treads on your toes? Because those toes are delicate ones! I think one of the main things that you can do to be less angry is to concentrate on loving and accepting yourself. The more you do that, the less everything and everyone becomes a potential threat.

- Being bullied. I was fortunately not subjected to hardcore bullying and I always had a small group of friends. However, for various reasons, I was subjected to bullying throughout the whole of school. This of course didn’t exactly help with the liking myself bit (see above). However, I think that because I always stood up for myself, tried never to show fear, tried to defend myself, tried to shout back – standing up for myself became a default, an instinct. So as SOON as I sense that there is a “threat”, my instinct is immediately to defend myself.

- I think that I have become “angrier” as I have got older, because when I was a child/teenager, I expected people to be disrespectful, to bully, call names, make fun of me etc. Because that’s what kids do right? I really thought that when you become an adult, everyone is supposed to be nice and respectful at all times. I thought that with adulthood would come some kind of magical invisible cloak of self-esteem, I’d be a “proper grownup” and nothing could touch me – wrong! With my sense of disillusionment came more anger. Will people ever respect me? Will people ever really appreciate me and take me seriously?

- The truth about self-esteem is that it really truly does have to come from within. Even if you have lots of people in your life who love and appreciate you, that will never really resolve the issue. In fact when those very people who are “supposed to” love you also threaten your fragile little ego, as families and partners often do, then that is doubly hurtful, doubly threatening and makes you more mad than ever.

- And while we are on the subject of those people who are “supposed to” love you .. The first really important people in your life are your parents. And they can fuck you up, no matter how loving and devoted they are, it’s just a fact of life. I think most of us feel incredibly guilty when we blame our parents in some way, unless those parents were actually abusive or neglectful (maybe even then too). But when they are loving, affectionate and provide everything that you need, it is even harder to acknowledge that they affected us in a negative way. The way that our parents speak to us as children becomes our inner voice. If your inner voice is always critical and negative, then maybe that is because you experienced judgemental and critical comments as a child/adolescent. I know I did. My mother is an extremely critical person. I feel bad for saying that, but it’s true. And her mother (my grandmother) before her. And my grandmother’s mother before that. There have been many generations of critical and negative thinking, so it is hard for me to break the cycle. Also, when your family do not support you enough emotionally and do not seem to appreciate you, you become a person who needs constant reassurance, praise and attention. I do not think I am too much like that (I hate people like that, they make me angry!), but when I am expecting support and reassurance from someone and it is not forthcoming – that really hurts and makes me angry.

- Everyone also has personal anger causes, unique buttons that when pressed make us explode with rage. Some of those do not really have a deep inner cause, such as when we are angry at someone for driving slowly in front of us and making us late for work. That’s just irritating. But if anger and irritation is a sort of HABIT, a default reaction – then you are more likely to become angry about this kind of thing. Actually, even though it is quite trivial, the slow driver *is* a threat, they are stopping you from being able to drive as fast as you planned to, they will make you late, it feels like they are almost doing it on purpose! Maybe you are really angry at yourself for not just leaving the house five minutes earlier. I guess the lesson here is stop and think. Why is this such a big deal? What is really going on here?

- We can also examine our own unique anger buttons to find out what that says about us and our mental state. For example, one thing that makes me mad is when I feel patronised, when I feel that someone thinks I am less intelligent than they are. This is because throughout my life, especially when I was in education, being academic was one major source of my self-esteem. I was always that smart kid, the one who worked hard and got amazing grades. I knew instinctively that even though my friends at school teased me for it, they did actually respect me for it too. It was also something that I thought made me a “good daughter”. If someone makes me feel like I am bad at maths, sport, sewing etc – then I don’t care. I think it’s funny because I know I am bad at those things. But if someone makes me feel like they believe I am stupid – then I will not be a very happy person!

Ne vous trompez pas, mes chéries, je suis même pas francaise. The journey of a very bad drag queen.

Just listening to this right now, and I think it's a very powerful song, applicable really to anyone anywhere, not just us weirdos LOL :D

I would totally love to be a drag queen. it is my profoundest wish. Of course I'm *already* one, but you see - nobody knows it!
I just pass as a woman far too well LOL.

Even though I cannot walk in heels, and often apply make-up rather badly and too generously. At 5ft1 nobody would ever think I was anything other than a real girl. Sad.

I have tried sometimes to access my masculine side, but this does not feel like me whatsoever. For one thing, I want to be PRETTY. I want, and have always wanted to wear heels, make-up, girly clothes etc. And yet, I am not a woman. I always have this feeling inside that I am really a drag queen. And yet, I would not take testosterone for a MILLION pounds. Well ok maybe one shot - for a million. That's a lot of money!

I do not think I am quite alone, which is why there are groups like this lol. I say lol too much.


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