zaza_napoli (zaza_napoli) wrote,
zaza_napoli
zaza_napoli

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Some honest words

OK bitches, I feel like there is so much I want to say right now and it’s just going to all fall out, hopefully in some kind of organized way  I have taken to using the word "bitches" affectionately in case you’re wondering.

OK so the first thing that I must say, is that I cannot help feeling that most of the people who have given their gender the tiniest amount of thought seem to be ri.di.culously young and cool. Kind of alienating for people like me who still get so much inspiration from “Some Like it Hot” and “La Cage aux Folles” (the original films), which I am totally mad about. (what was your first clue lol)

I feel like people who think about their gender have too much time on their hands, hey I do too. Not trying to criticize “other people”. I am as guilty as anyone else of over-thinking my whole childhood and adolescence and looking for “clues”. And sometimes I think so deeply into my essence that I may not have a gender at all, I mean what is our gender when we are asleep? It’s one of those things, the harder you think the more it fades. You only see it clearly when you’re NOT concentrating on it.

Well anyway, now that I have found my own personal gender identity, I feel like I should just get on with my life. We can’t force anyone else to see us as we see ourselves unfortunately.
I am thinking maybe my gender identity “thing” is connected with female Asperger’s Syndrome which is completely different from male Asperger’s so don’t expect me to recite PI to 100 decimal places. I have read up about Asperger’s in women and so much seems to fit like a glove. Although nobody will believe that I have Asperger’s because I am so high-functioning. But look at the length of this rant about my gender!

I believe Asperger’s has made me feel like I have had to LEARN how to be “a girl” in a similar way to a drag queen. That is by far the neatest explanation I have found so far. And yet I have always, always known that I WANTED to be a girl (preferably a princess actually). In 2015 when I could be anything I want, even a genderless blob, even a trans guy, a neutrois anything – I WANT to be a girl. But I still don't feel like one in my core.

I embrace “drag queen” as my gender identity, not my profession. My life is really my performance, although any excuse to dress up is most welcome :) I personally do not feel that biological females can be “drag queens” although some try. For the simple reason that it is not drag. It’s a woman dressing extravagantly and putting on lots of make-up. That is fun, but it’s not drag unfortunately! A biological male drag queen can stand there in fish drag and lip sync. He doesn’t need to do anything wacky or original to be a drag queen, just the fact of being dressed in female clothing is enough. And there’s the difference.

Sometimes I feel that I am quite literally mentally a gay man, specifically an effeminate one. I have my masculine side too which leads people to see me as not so feminine. Because as I am female-bodied, I don’t always speak and act the way I am expected to. I have my more macho moments. I am not feminine I am effeminate. There is a subtle difference that I cannot explain. I really can’t. You’d have to meet me.

Not being seen as a queen /drag queen is something that I can deal with, because ultimately all I can do is BE. If I really am true to myself, then everyone will see the real me even if they don’t quite “get” my gender.

But what I can’t stand is being seen as what I am NOT. For one, I am not a lesbian, I happen to be biromantic and also bisexual enough to want to try it (which I have) but sexually speaking I know what I like, and it’s men. Thanks.

Also I am not a fag hag. I am a fag. I have had some female friends who were kind of like my fag hag, it was that kind of dynamic. Because I feel different somehow, in a way that I just cannot explain. When I am with a group of guys, I feel like I don’t fit in, but when I am with a group of girls I feel different too. But I feel like I get on better with girls. By the way, fag hag is not an insult in itself, I just find it is synonymous sometimes with a supremely irritating woman who thinks that she is ever so glamorous because she is friends with some gays *yawn*. And also being a complete bitch is not a gender. It is not a pre-requisite of any gender or sexuality to be unpleasant and judgemental and “throw shade” around whenever you get the chance. Grow up.

Also I do not have a fetish. Sometimes I feel like my fascination with drag queens and transsexual women could potentially be seen as offensive in the sense that people like to be seen as human beings and not objects of fascination. Also it must be said that I do not believe a drag queen and a transsexual woman is the same thing, of course not. The only thing that I see in common is the biological maleness and feminine appearance. Just before everyone hates me. I guarantee that most TG women probably don't know what I am talking about since they feel like women, and I don't :)

I sometimes feel more like a drag queen because I feel like fundamentally inside, I am quite masculine. I just don’t wish to LOOK masculine. I guess I am fascinated by what I physically can never be. I do not think that I am transsexual because it seems rather absurd to take lots of T just so that you can appear more like a drag queen and that is not something I would ever do. But sometimes I do wish that I already had a male body so that I could then become a woman rather than just being one to begin with. I think that if I had a male body I would not be particularly dysphoric, I am not sure. It’s a question I ask myself. I think my ideal body would be taller, male shaped and sized but with little body hair, and definitely.not.bald. If I took T, I would be a very, very short bald guy – which quite frankly I would not be very thrilled about. In fact there is NO WAY. Sorry. I am not that dysphoric as to do that to myself. In fact I am not sure I suffer too much from body dysphoria. I would be happy to be either, and I think I am MUCH better off in a female body.

Also, I am not just jumping on some kind of gender bandwagon to be one of the cool kids. Far from it – I have never in my life been a cool kid and never will be one. I am not a particularly alternative person, I am not loud or gregarious or extrovert, I am not just a femme or someone who wants to draw attention to themselves. It is really sad that every loud-mouthed bitch who happens to like glamorous clothes and make-up thinks that she is a “gay man trapped in a womans’ body”. Whatever. Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen that the more make-up you put on the more you look like a man? The sexier you try and look, the more you look like a man? Have you ever cried with sheer confusion? No well don’t talk to me bitch. Thanks.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I actually revel in femininity is that it actually makes me feel MORE masculine in a funny kind of way. Whereas if I try to look like a boy, I just end up looking like a lesbian and that is not what I want because why would I want people to think I am the exact opposite of what I am. I am not a gay woman, I am a gay man duh. I do not really like or get on with lesbians tbh. Sorry.

That was really honest. I really hope that nobody hates me as a result.
Tags: drag queen, gender
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